wow. my life has changed a lot since the fall.

i've lost touch with some really close friends.
proved that the people that i knew would always be there really would.
got real close to having something with a really great guy. who said he didn't want to fuck me over.
now he's dating one of my best friends.
and i'm dating someone else. who is probably the nicest person i've ever met.
in the end, everything pretty much worked out. for the best.
but it was a whirlwind of a ride that i never expected.

college is supposed to be this great new experience for you.
and i can safely say, this year was something i never expected.
and i'm the happiest i've been in a long time.

all the trials and tribulations were worth it.
all the heartache paid off in the end.

i just spilled my guts to a boy i hardly know
told him things that no one else knows

too bad i didn't say the only thing that mattered...

i could tell you how i really feel
but i'm not sure you'd believe me
you'd see it as a cruel joke
another betrayal from another friend
i can see it all in my head.

you'd ask me if i were serious
or what kind of game i was playing
you'd ask me what i meant
or want me to say i was joking
at least that's how i imagine it

and what could i really say?
do you want the truth
or should i say what you want to hear
when i don't even know what that is
but i know what i'd hope for

i'd want you to say the perfect thing
at just the perfect time
in the most perfect way
i'd want you to look at me
and just say what if it's the same thing

what if the truth is what you want to hear
what if you want me to say i'm crazy about you,
head over heels, butterflies fluttering away.
and all i want to do is hold your hand
and spend forever in your arms...

well. summer's almost over, for most people. and honestly, i don't know where the time has gone. i don't know how i got here, and this is honestly the strangest summer on record for me.

all i've done is work, softball, and camp. i've seen the same like four people (maybe) over and over again. i haven't done any of the things my summer used to consist of. i've lost touch with a lot of people and i don't know how. it probably amounts to be basically being a bad friend.

and i've done some things recently that are really out of character. i don't regret them, and hopefully i never do. i just think i maybe did some things for the wrong reasons. and i just set myself up for disappointment, again, and i haven't done that in a long time.

in the grand scheme of things, this summer hasn't been terrible, not by a long shot. but it wasn't what i was expecting or what i was hoping for. and for some people, it will be over in a little over a week. for some, a little less than a month. and me, i've got until september fourth.

and i need to find something that seems worthwhile. i need to escape this position i've put myself in.

the harsh reality of the world is that, sometimes, despite our best efforts
some things will just never change.

an image gets created for you, based on your actions.

sometimes, you change.
and you can see that you're no longer that person that you're thought to be
and those distant members of your life can see it too
but not the ones you thought mattered.

and you wonder. if they're so important, why can't they see
i'm not that person anymore.

then you wonder if they're blind, or you're just naive.

....or maybe it just feels more secure to deny what's in front of your face

[i'm not who you think i am, so wake up already]